Rocky, the love fest and actual Punjabis....

So we (cousin & I) have been religiously going to the gym and working our biceps for the past month. There is nice little fellow at the gym who tells us what and how much to do. For the first couple of weeks I kept hearing people call him “Louki” which seemed rather unlikely since that’s a weird veggie (as you can see I don’t care for it). Then my cousin just asked him his name and then there was light and laughter! His name is Rocky. You have to see him to understand why his name evokes such amusement…in addition to the clichedness of that name.

This guy’s sense of humour pops up out of the blue. He wanted me to lift the dumbell from behind my neck upwards till my arm was straight. His explanation, “Like this” (with a demo) and then, “Inquilab zindabad!”

Went to Lodhi gardens with some folks from work. It was very pleasant. We sat under a tree sharing our sugary treats with the ants and making small talk. Then we noticed 4 guys, each sitting on his own and all staring in the same direction. Obviously we followed their lead and stared too….at this couple under a tree who were all over each other. After a while the couple went away and so the guys got up and disappeared….the show was over…time to move on! Bizarre.

Le boss was trying to get my goat by making these daft comments about south indians…the usual everything south of the Vindhyas is Madras. I kept telling him you arent being inventive, I’ve heard all this from the thick headed northies in my family! Then suddenly some circuit in my colleague’s brain worked and he said, “is this the Punjabis you stay with? So, they are actual Punjabis who are related to you?” Duh! Didn’t know you could have virtual Punjabis! So when I asked what he thought I’d been talking about when I said my Punjabi uncle etc and his reply, “I thought you meant transplanted tamilians!” Apparently transplanted tamilians in Delhi become Punjabis! I had to give my cousin’s name (an endless one it is!) for them to be totally convinced. Silly people….never heard of inter-whatever marriages (its not racial in this case so I don’t know what the sociological term would be.)

HELLO!

Have discovered a fascinating Punjabi habit....they love to say HELLO! This is not on the telephone or to greet someone. That everyone does. No big deal. No....when they want to interrupt someone or focus the attention on them during a conversation they loudly "HELLO" you. The other day had two Punjabis doing the hello routine at the same time! One was me uncle trying to distract us from some serious idiot box watching where the other Punjabi was Helloing some chick in a car. This was Sunny Deol driving alongside the chick and helloing her on a cell phone! Don't ask why I was watching this idiocy...it comes of living on the baarder.

So now the cousin and self have taken to helloing each other and the house in our chute like courtyard! The neighbours (who don't exist) must think we are very friendly bunch- forever greeting each other with such warmth!

Holothurians...ugh!!!!!

I hate sea cucumbers! To start with what a silly name! The only neat thing about them, in a yech kind of way, is that they can shove their intestines out to escape predators!

Sorry about the bio lesson but I have been trying to write this story on sea cucumbers- they are a Schedule 1 species, which they are an untouchable species in trade/fishing terms. The problem with my story is no one has any verifiable information on the darned things. GRRRR! Ah, well that is my problem..but I just have to say it...I HATE sea cucumbers!

I am a cool, gay Tambram!

The parochial dude of my last post asked me if i was a tambram. I, of course, said I didn't believe in such labels. And that was the end of that conversation.

I later regretted it. I should have owned up to my tambramness because it turns out the Northies respect tambrams. They consider us cool! I've never heard that word associated with us! This is due to our undisputable brains and ability to land well paying corporate jobs. So, I missed out on asserting my coolness though I have been assured that since I am a gay tambram, I'm extra cool!

Nude lipsticks and six pack abs...

Life in Haryana can get so that one is reduced to reading some unknown chick mag. There was fascinating article about how to put on your face in 5 minutes in the morning! It actually sounded like an hour’s work. the best part of the article though, was the endless range of products which were NUDE! Me cousin and I had a great time imagining ourselves asking the shop guy for naked lipsticks.

Went for a talk on an extinct bird that may have been rediscovered. Unfortunately caught only the last half of it thanks to blade colleagues who delayed us. Dislike people who function eternally on IST. And then had the cheek to say, "It's okay. Don’t be mad"! Sorry, but I’m actually INTERESTED in wildlife and wanted to listen to this talk! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. And then the same soul, who after asking what some south Indian sweet was went, “gadagadabuda” when told what the sweet was! Talk about rude! Sorely tempted to make stupid noises when next someone talks in Hindi! Talking of the north-south divide, some random dude who I hardly knew starts off about how you southies always talk tamil to each other! Jeez, who doesn’t talk their language when they meet fellow whatevers? Parochial idiots.

Yipppppppeeeeeeeeee!!! Got my first byline...check out the September 15th issue (www.cseindia.org). Actually have 2 bylines- the floods story and a piece on kala-azar.

I seem to be living at IHC and the international centre. Went for a conference on the Indo-US nuclear deal. This was by the anti nuke camp. All very fine except they were preaching to the converted. I did however learn a little more about the issue and got out of the office for 2 whole days!

Had nightmares the other day, came out of it to realise it was actually a video on mtv. There was shekar suman with these scary six pack abs, drawn face and terrible hairdo (which tried to scream I’m cool and young). On top of all this he was doing a salman khan with an unbuttoned shirt and was pretending to sing. This should come with a warning! No fair springing it on an unsuspecting public.

p.s. Had another painfully one track (not to mention one sided) conversation with you know who... Have decided to buy a bell and ring it after 5 minutes – its time for a change in topic. Your alloted time is up.

Vodka, english grannies and family.....

Can’t The Hindu find anyone else other than Nirmal Shekar to write in the sports section? For more than a decade he’s been writing the strangest things. His so called analogies are hardly that. Some classic Shekar (on Mirza getting the better of some Russian player),

“Girls her age seldom go to work at that hour, unless they happen to have the unenviable job of listening to — and placating — English grannies’ complaints about a Barclays bank statement or a malfunctioning microwave oven in a voice that frogs might mistake for a partnership call.…………even as the Russian found the surface about as agreeable as one of her countrymen might consider a pub that did not stock vodka”.

Which idiot gave this guy a job writing? There was also some stuff about polar bears which I will not torture you with.

Talking of bad journalism, saw this episode of Hardtalk (on BBC) with Richard Dawkins as the guest discussing his book, The God Delusion. Dawkins was trying very seriously to make a point about how religion pervades everything. How labeling a child as a Christian, Muslim or whatever is not considered to affect the psyche of the child while labeling the kid anything else would be a no-no. Throughout the programme the interviewer had an one point agenda – railroad Dawkins and trip him without really listening to anything the guy said!

Ha! The family (me included) are so good at giving advice. We just hate being at the receiving end! A certain someone recently told off a certain somebodyelse…lets call them M and J! It was rather ironic, since M has similar problems with life and doesn’t do well when advice is dished out to her! A bit of the kettle calling the pot black?

Hmmmm…talking of family….went home to Singara Chennai recently. Only to find my room usurped and my cousin giving me directions in my city!!! This from the creature who was the typical oblivious north Indian till 2 years ago!

Short Circuit!

To be ethical, this post's title was suggested by a good friend of mine (whose circuits are shorted more often than not!)....

Visited an old (and famously flaky!) friend the other day. On reaching her place, I found her pacing on the terrace as TNEB were tinkering with the electrical supply to the building. Apparently it was a case of high voltage leading to an electrical fire. We had hardly started chewing the fat when this dude started yelling for help. We found him in the middle of some rather thick smoke as his washing machine was burning merrily. Finally everyone exited the building and the EB folks and us got organised and started rushing in bags of sand. In the meantime we called the fire dept who came in time to put out a smoldering fire that the EB folks had missed.

After all the excitement we were gossiping with the local cops when this mama in veshti went by us doing a sprint worthy of Ben Johnson. Why? To collar one of the dudes who went out sand collecting, and accuse him of stealing sand from his house! On being told the situation, the mama insisted that the dude should have got sand from elsewhere! After much soothing of ruffled feathers he chilled out only to tell the cop that electrical fire cannot occur! As if we were making the whole thing up!
(Our considered opinion being he was drunk as a skunk!)

Why o why do I have to come across all the weird Tamil mamas in the world?